On turning 60

I'm trying to figure out what to write. I have a few ideas, but, I am not sure what should actually flow through me. Hell, I don't even think I could produce something coherent.

According to the counter thing at my dashboard for Blogger, this will be my 60th post. Now, I haven't done 59 other posts in the last few months of actively putting stuff here. I have apparent done all this through the last couple years. It's funny that if you go through my archives for this blog, there is an entire year missing. I didn't touch this for a year. Just shows how I feel about my writing.

I originally started this blog to just get some stuff out there. There was once an idea that I would post some of my fiction here. Since I haven't written any fiction since college, that never happened. I blame my muse, or lack there of. I just haven't really been inspired to write anything. My few stories for class usually dealt with things I have either known or experienced. There was one that I juts took from a concept and didn't base it on anything. I attempted to mask my need for personal depth and self-inclusion in my writing, but it didn't work. The story wasn't that good. Writing it, I saw too many plot holes that I didn't want to fill in. I was the epitome of the procrastinator in college. Most of what I wrote was done at the last minute. A personally belief, or delusional excuse, that I worked better under pressure. In all, I tended to write till I passed out. There was even one instance where I wrote a paper while sick, taking periodic naps at my desk and on the floor of my living room, waking to write a couple paragraphs. I don't even remember what it was for.

I would like to start writing stuff that can accurately express the things I have been going through. I was originally going to say "crap" instead of "things". The problem is that I do recognize that there are some good things going for me. My optimist pops out every once and a while to remind me that everything isn't shit, and can get better. The pessimist comes with depression, and depression leads to nothing being written.

For me, this blog is therapeutic. it helps me say something. Most of the time, I feel I never have anything to say. Or if I do, it is usually overshadowed by whatever everyone else has to say. My ideas and opinions don't seem that important with my weak social skills. If you were to talk to me, I would tend to stammer over words. I usually don't know how to express thing vocally. Hell, I don't know how to express it verbally in print either. I just fake it have have time to reflect on what I'm trying to express rather than just on-the-spot.

I sometimes post on my Myspace blog. I really haven't done much of that lately, though. In all honestly, I just like the look and design of what I put here better. It is more aesthetically pleasing as I type and shows up more professional when I post. The Myspace blog tends to feel like a long text message. Also, there are only so many surveys one can take. I would prefer if people read this here, only because I feel I put more effort into it. Myspace has its' advantages. More people have the opportunity to see what I write there. It is mush simpler to "subscribe" to my blog and get notified when I put something new up there. It also allows for more people to check up on me. I am not about making my profile private. If I have something to hide, I tend to do it internally. There are plenty of times i have neglected to write something here or on Myspace because I feel people may not appreciate what I have to say about a situation or the person themselves. I just don't say it. If I did speak my mind and keep an active journal, most of my post would be private. That could lead to paranoia.

I'm the one that is paranoid though. I don't write because I could be good at it and people would want more. I don't write because I could be bad at it and people would hate it. They could tell me they hate it and I should stop writing. They could hate it and tell me that they liked it, the friend way. It's a tug at the band-aid. Sometimes it's better to rip the damn thing off.

I'm not sure what comes next. I think I just need to get away. Or a laptop. Maybe I need to get away with a laptop. If anyone notices timestamps, I tend to post these things in the early AM. There is a reason. It tends to be the only time I feel I can write. I can't concentrate on writing when people are around... well, at least when family is around. I am plenty fine in my own little universe. I would like something to come along that I don't have to worry about. At least for a little bit. I seem to worry about too much. Until that time comes, I'll probably keep putting the occasional gibberish here in the hopes that something concrete can expose itself to my reader.

He is my brother

The 10th of October is the 10th anniversary of the death of my brother. I didn't expect it to hit me as hard as it did. Alcohol coupled with loneliness and tiredness, dropped my guard. My friend asked what was so special about my brother. I am the youngest of 7 children. How much influence did he have. All I could respond with was that. "He is my brother."

I vote because someone has to.

I hate politics.

I seriously do. I don't really understand it. I get weirded out by anyone who follows any person for whatever reason. I can understand in a military setting following a superior officer. They just have more experience in what your doing. In politics, it just seems like a popularity contest.

I didn't like student council votes when I was in school. I don't like actual elections now, Granted, I like voting because I have the freedom and ability to do so. It is a slight satisfaction that when whoever gets elected screws-up, it will be because the nation put him/her there. It won't be because they were born into it.

I never tell anyone who I am voting for in any election. It come up today in a conversation. A couple of guys were in talking about journalism. One is the editor of his college newspaper and the other used to work with him, but has since moved onto other things. They brought up that it is journalistic integrity to not show bias toward one candidate or another. While that is appropriate for journalists and people who supposed relay the Truth, it's not exactly my reason for withholding my nomination.

The main reason I don't tell anyone is because it is none of their damn business. The second reason is because no matter what, an argument will brew. Granted, I am pretty non-confrontational, but politics just brings out the anger and meanness of everyone.

When I stand there at the polls, I look over the different choices. I have been doing this in every election an primary I could since I registered to vote. I read the names and positions of the people who want my vote, who will make the choices of this country, because my voice is too small by itself. I look and I think, "Who is going to screw me the least?"

A wash comes over me and a thought graces my mind, "Why do I always have to choose a lesser evil?... Why can't I just vote for Cthulhu?"

I remember I can. There is a write in slot. He's a dark horse though.

Nailin’ Paylin: X-Rated Spoof

Ok, I just think this is funny. Apparently, Hustler genius Larry Flynt's video company came up with a funny idea. With the election just about a month away, they will produce an Adult Video spoof of the Republican Vice-Presidential canidate, called Nailin' Paylin.

From Frisky.com:

Word leaked earlier that Larry Flynt’s Hustler Video is making an X-rated movie inspired by Republican Vice President nominee Sarah Palin. Now, TheFrisky.com has the exclusive details! Find out all the juicy details after the jump.

The title of the pornographic homage to the governor of Alaska is “Nailin’ Paylin.” Contrary to earlier reports, the movie is in pre-production. One Jerry T. is set to direct, and porn star Lisa Ann will be taking on the role of Palin—er, “Paylin.” According to HUSTLER, “Nailin’ Paylin” is a “naughty adventure to the wild side of that sexy Alaska governor,” featuring “girl-on-girl lovin’,” “nailing the Russians, who come knocking on her back-door,” and a younger Palin getting seduced by her creationist college professor who “will explain a ‘big bang’ theory even she can’t deny!” Also included: a three-way hardcore sex scene starring porn stars as Palin/Paylin, Hillary Clinton, and Condoleezza Rice. Of course, no political porn satire would be complete without a salute to Fox News—a Bill O’Reilly stand-in will announce the movie’s multiple sex scandals as they unfold. “Nailin’ Paylin” will be released just in time for the November elections, natch.

I personally just think it's funny for all those people who see Palin as a sex object. I guess it's a market that needed to be filled.

Weekend outlook

Well, the weekend starts tomorrow. I have no idea what I am going to do. For once, there is nothing planned or set-up that I am to be a part of. For now, I think I will relegate myself to playing Lego Batman and probably watching a few horror movies. Sadly, most of this is solo stuff. Something will have to come to pass for me to break from this. I do intend to see people at some point, even if it is just a jaunt to the mall to check out the Halloween store for costume ideas.

Speaking of costumes, if I can find the stuff, I will actually wear something I may want to wear to work. I said I wasn't going to, but in this case it fits. If I were a costume, what would I be?