On turning 60

I'm trying to figure out what to write. I have a few ideas, but, I am not sure what should actually flow through me. Hell, I don't even think I could produce something coherent.

According to the counter thing at my dashboard for Blogger, this will be my 60th post. Now, I haven't done 59 other posts in the last few months of actively putting stuff here. I have apparent done all this through the last couple years. It's funny that if you go through my archives for this blog, there is an entire year missing. I didn't touch this for a year. Just shows how I feel about my writing.

I originally started this blog to just get some stuff out there. There was once an idea that I would post some of my fiction here. Since I haven't written any fiction since college, that never happened. I blame my muse, or lack there of. I just haven't really been inspired to write anything. My few stories for class usually dealt with things I have either known or experienced. There was one that I juts took from a concept and didn't base it on anything. I attempted to mask my need for personal depth and self-inclusion in my writing, but it didn't work. The story wasn't that good. Writing it, I saw too many plot holes that I didn't want to fill in. I was the epitome of the procrastinator in college. Most of what I wrote was done at the last minute. A personally belief, or delusional excuse, that I worked better under pressure. In all, I tended to write till I passed out. There was even one instance where I wrote a paper while sick, taking periodic naps at my desk and on the floor of my living room, waking to write a couple paragraphs. I don't even remember what it was for.

I would like to start writing stuff that can accurately express the things I have been going through. I was originally going to say "crap" instead of "things". The problem is that I do recognize that there are some good things going for me. My optimist pops out every once and a while to remind me that everything isn't shit, and can get better. The pessimist comes with depression, and depression leads to nothing being written.

For me, this blog is therapeutic. it helps me say something. Most of the time, I feel I never have anything to say. Or if I do, it is usually overshadowed by whatever everyone else has to say. My ideas and opinions don't seem that important with my weak social skills. If you were to talk to me, I would tend to stammer over words. I usually don't know how to express thing vocally. Hell, I don't know how to express it verbally in print either. I just fake it have have time to reflect on what I'm trying to express rather than just on-the-spot.

I sometimes post on my Myspace blog. I really haven't done much of that lately, though. In all honestly, I just like the look and design of what I put here better. It is more aesthetically pleasing as I type and shows up more professional when I post. The Myspace blog tends to feel like a long text message. Also, there are only so many surveys one can take. I would prefer if people read this here, only because I feel I put more effort into it. Myspace has its' advantages. More people have the opportunity to see what I write there. It is mush simpler to "subscribe" to my blog and get notified when I put something new up there. It also allows for more people to check up on me. I am not about making my profile private. If I have something to hide, I tend to do it internally. There are plenty of times i have neglected to write something here or on Myspace because I feel people may not appreciate what I have to say about a situation or the person themselves. I just don't say it. If I did speak my mind and keep an active journal, most of my post would be private. That could lead to paranoia.

I'm the one that is paranoid though. I don't write because I could be good at it and people would want more. I don't write because I could be bad at it and people would hate it. They could tell me they hate it and I should stop writing. They could hate it and tell me that they liked it, the friend way. It's a tug at the band-aid. Sometimes it's better to rip the damn thing off.

I'm not sure what comes next. I think I just need to get away. Or a laptop. Maybe I need to get away with a laptop. If anyone notices timestamps, I tend to post these things in the early AM. There is a reason. It tends to be the only time I feel I can write. I can't concentrate on writing when people are around... well, at least when family is around. I am plenty fine in my own little universe. I would like something to come along that I don't have to worry about. At least for a little bit. I seem to worry about too much. Until that time comes, I'll probably keep putting the occasional gibberish here in the hopes that something concrete can expose itself to my reader.