In the beginning...

This is mainly a running tally of things I could be doing.

I haven't creatively written in a very long time. The seeds of a story never germinate. I see scenes and parts of a whole, but nothing to congeal it. I think the last long form thing I wrote was years ago. Possibly college. Christ, that was almost two decades ago.

At the moment, I am trying to spark something. Not necessarily a written thing, but some thing. I have a book in front of me that I read the first chapter of on Sunday. I picked it up because lately I watch a ton of Youtube videos. Seriously, it is probably my main form of entertainment. I used to listen to podcasts while playing World of Warcraft, but I put aside the game for the time being. I think I was just a bit bored of it. 

Anyway, the book was written by the guy who runs the channel and produces the videos. I started watching him because I was approached to participate in a Star Trek role-playing game. Trying to gather inspiration for a character, I discovered a channel that had some short sci-fi lore videos. 

After watching a bunch of the videos, I usually feel compelled to contribute something back to the creator. Sometimes, I back them on Patreon if I find myself looking forward to their videos every week, This time, I kept getting his embedded ads for his own novel. Checking it out on Amazon, it was a decent price, and only a few dollars more for a print copy. I personally prefer physical books rather than digital. I have a better chance to read on paper than a screen because a screen can usually be used for videos instead.

Well, after the first chapter, it hasn't grabbed me yet. I liked his brief description of the plot. The concept seemed interesting. When I got the book, the layout looked easily digestible. I will probably attempt to give it more of a go. The first chapter seemed like a slog though. I know it was set up, but parts seemed forced. It will probably pay off later, but I don't think it was handled very well.

I am a big believer in the power of the first sentence. It sets the stage for everything coming after it. The first sentence was weak. It was certainly no, "Call me Ismael." That is hard to top. Even the generic, "Once upon a time," evokes something. It starts with, "In a corner of the Universe, resided a Galaxy." I know it is science fiction, and wants to present that. Still, the whole first chapter is set up, but consist of the end, final strike of a war between two worlds. According to the back of the book description, the rest of the story is about trying to prevent another war. It should have been something about war and not the universe/galaxy thing.

Looking ahead, the second chapter starts better. Maybe there is hope for it. Hell, the first sentence of the Special Thanks in the very beginning was good. "Writing is expected to be a solitary activity."

Well, he ain't wrong.

I specifically didn't name names or throw anyone under a bus because I don't think I can't accurately review a book without reading it. I don't drop the Youtube channel because 1) I don't think anyone is actually reading this, and 2) I don't think anyone will actually care.

Fandom things

I am not sure I understand fandom.

I like a lot of things. Nerdy things, sci-ency things, arty things, weird things, scary things, lovely things, pretty things, ugly things... you get the point.

More and more, I keep hearing and reading about how fans of things aggressively admonish the supposed thing they love. They focus so much time and effort in loving a thing, that whenever something is done with their fandom, it is seen almost as an attack.

I understand preferring one thing over another. I can understand someone who says that the prequel Star Wars films are better than the original trilogy. I think they are wrong, but that is my opinion. Maybe they fell in love with Jarjar Binks when they were a kid and it triggers that right sense of nostalgia. It can bring them back to a better part of their life, or and easier part. Maybe Jarjar makes them smile.

People are allowed to like things. There truly is something for everyone out there. Grabbing hold of a thing and making it your life can be troubling. Like or love a thing but don't let that thing govern and define who you are as a person. It is merely a part.

I like wresting. It seems silly to some people, but I like it. I have actively watched wresting for nearly 25 years, but it has always been in the periphery my entire life. At first it was something to do. Then, it turned out my friends got into it as well. When college and young adulthood happened, I started to be slightly ashamed of it. I would still watch, but I had no one to share it with. Still, I liked it and didn't really retreat into it. It was just entertainment. Now, I am a little less guarded by my love of wrestling. I still watch, but I will engage in conversations if someone wants one. I wear the t-shits like a badge.

Still, it isn't my everything. If I don't like it, I can watch something else. There are plenty of things that can fill that void. Hell, I can fill that void of bad things with other wrestling. I can give new things a chance if the current thing I like isn't going the way I would prefer it to.

I like things. I never call myself a fan of them. It feels like that word had an almost negative connotation these days. It seems that "fans" are the first ones to adversely react to the thing they supposedly love. If the thing I like suddenly does something I am not happy with, I can always just go find something new. Some day, I may even come back to the old thing. It is my choice.

Something to do....

I haven't looked at this in years.

I have been feeling anxious lately. The whole world is in actual chaos. People are unsure about how life works now. For me, I just don't know what to do with myself.

I fill my time. I still work two jobs, which is better than some people. I never applied for unemployment, so no bonus cash from the feds. Money isn't too important to me right now. I have that going for me. Thankfully, I have few expenses.

I decided to started writing this in an effort to do something. I spend a good bit of time trying to figure out what to do with myself. I sometimes get stressed at work from just having seemingly everything happen at once. Work can give me focus, though. At least when I go to work, I have something to do. I have something to work towards, even if it is the end of the day.

I am the only employee working at my "night" comic book job. The boss stepped up and is still finding his feet getting back to actual work and not just delegating. I just have to step up my usual tasks. It doesn't help that the comic book industry used everything going on as a springboard to screw more things up for me. I know it wasn't a personal attack. It is mainly poor timing at a terrible time to throw more chaos and stress on an already near mentally breaking time.

This is just a bit of stress relief. I have more hobbies than I can handle. I like too many things, but am not a true fan of any of them. Nothing is really "my thing". I still have a terrible habit of attempting to throw money at a thing in the hope that I'll enjoy it. I have bought video games and played them once. I buy books to flip through and pretend I may read them some day. I have models to build and paint and no desire to choose which ones to do first. An excuse of not wanting to screw it up is fleeting. I could always just buy a new one to attempt to get that desire feeling again.

Who knows? Maybe this will trigger something in me. Maybe I will start writing a bit here again. Even it if is just something to do. At least it feels like a slight sense of accomplishment. That is all work is now, a sense of accomplishment when I struggle to get started. Still, I didn't have to get back on here to write, Luckily, it was automatically logged in because this site is owned and run by Google. Saves some time.

All right. I think that is enough for now. We'll see how long this lasts. One step at a time...

Celebratory 150th post!!1!!

Christ, I haven't written anything in a very long time. And I honestly mean that. I'm calling on you, Lord. Grant me the inspiration to try to make something that is passably readable.

My choices for this late hour were slim at best. I could continue strolling through the internet, where I would waste time looking at things I shouldn't care about. (Jesus, I don't even remember the last time I looked at porn.) I could listen to some podcast that is waiting on iTunes. Granted, most of my podcasts consist of video game crap. Seriously, I don't even play video games that much any more. It's just one of those things I just need to keep up on. I could play World of Warcraft. Yes, I play WoW. I started at the beginning of the summer at the encouragement of a friend from work. I wouldn't say that it succumb my life because: 1) It's not like I had a real life to begin with, and 2) I'm not doing right now, am I? I could have started reading a book. God knows I have a lot of them. I wouldn't even know which one to begin with. There are literary pieces, sci-fi novels, biographies (ok, wrestling biographies), countless comic books and graphic novels, and magazines (both video game ones and ones about writing... go figure).

Instead, I popped on iTunes and am listening to daft punk's Discovery. It has enough energy and mellow parts to continue shifting my perspective. Of course, what that perspective is, is entirely up for debate.

If you have ever read anything I have written, especially here, I am not entirely forthcoming with things I should be writing about. I will never be a good writer because I don't discuss or lay on the table what is actually going on with me. I know my readership isn't huge, but this is the internet. Only God knows what will be seen by the wrong (right?) person. I could sit here in a semi-uncomfortable chair, drolling about my feelings. But, I don't do that. I don't have feelings, do I?

No, I do have feelings. They sting and squeeze like a bitch, though. Now, what could these feelings be about? You have 3 guesses and the first two don't count.

Did you know this is apparently my 150th post on this blog? I was surprised too. See, that whole thing in the beginning of the year really boosted my numbers. It didn't last long though, did it? I had a shallow attempt to write 500 words a day. I should get back to it. It would just be fairly tough trying to write that much while avoiding the object of my feelings.

I'm already running stagnant. I just stared at my keyboard and clicked on iTunes 3 or 4 times without writing anything. I'm not quite sure what to continue with. I guess that should be an indicator to stop what I'm doing. If I plan on writing more, I guess I just have to ease myself back into things. No need for a novella every time out, right? I need to start putting this English degree to work (even though a degree in English has nothing to do with actual writing).

Suck Hard (that doesn't sound right)

I should be sleeping. I have to work many hours on Wednesdays. Here I am, though, toiling away at nothing.

My birthday, as a day, sucked hard. I wanted to murder many people. It was filled with every troglodyte and ridiculous person I could imagine (with a possible exception of a few named evils). I worked alone the entire day. My boss was off down in Baltimore securing mounds of product support for an upcoming project. This is something i am not looking forward to. It's the defeatist in me. I'll go more in depth at a later time.

What didn't help matters is that my normal relief couldn't show. I understand why he wasn't there though, so I don't blame him. I just account for it under my horrible luck for the day. His main job has been calling him away for overtime to get their on project done ahead of schedule. When he called me around noon, he didn't sound good. It was reinforced when he told me he was at work till 8AM.

I was hungry, tired, achy, and nearly on my last nerve. I actually called our other store just so I could have a voice to complain to that could display a modicum of sympathy... even if it was faked. My back has been hurting or a few days due to some unknown reason. I think I am sleeping wrong, or now my bed is trying to torture me. I wouldn't put it past my bed. It did come from a witch, and may be a delayed spell. I have been taking some meds to make it through the day. I just hate doing it. It also aggravates me that my butter fingers are more prominent when it pains me, physically, to pick up something I dropped.

I have a lot on my mind right now, and I am trying to sort through it all. It's one of those things where nothing is really important, except to me. If only I could split myself like Multiple Man and get some shit done. Sadly, there is only one, now 30-year-old, me.

I wound up picking up the new DC animated movie, Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths. It's really good, and I will go more into it later. I want to check out all the other extras with it. I would recommend it to anyone on the fence.

I just hope tomorrow is better. It is looking like a big week for new comics, which means the shit will hit the fan and I may just be aggravated in the morning as well. The boss' daughter is working with me in the evening, and she said she was going to bring cupcakes to celebrate my birthday. That's at least one positive to look forward to.

I still have no plans concerning birthday celebrations. For the most part, I just want to have fun. Snow is looking to be a hindrance. I believe I have a new fluffy, white nemesis.

Sound of Silence

See, the weird thing is that I had plenty of time and topics to write abut over the last week. I just didn't have a functioning computer with internet access to actually compose my thoughts. It's kind of sad that I resort my self to technology as a crutch to write.

In any case, I guess it's time for an update.

It is solidly in the Christmas season at work. Hours officially changed with Black Friday, but now are staring to effect me. See, for the first few weeks, only weekends were really effected, with opening early and staying open late. Now, this week, the whole week has early openings and late closings. My Wednesday is going to suck, since it is then that I both open and close. In fact I have to go in before open to get work done then. I'm going to need some Red Bulls or something.

My Thanksgiving was all right. It was vastly different than past years. Instead of my home playing host to my immediate family, I joined my mom in center city Philadelphia for an extended family Thanksgiving. My brother was married on the next day, so with his wife's family in from another state, they had Thanksgiving dinner at the hotel were the wedding was to be held. It's strange having such a classic meal with menu options. Don't worry, I had the turkey choice. It was good, but nothing like a home cooked meal. I am also surprised how many people actually go out to eat for Thanksgiving. There was over 100 reservations for the hotel restaurant. Granted our party was most of it, but it still seems like a lot.

My brother, Chris, was married on Black Friday. This was significant because it gave me the greatest excuse (aside from a death) to not have to be at work. An added bonus was the extended days off, my first 4 day weekend/vacation since I was sick in January 2008. It was a good ceremony. It seemed non-denominational. They aren't actively practicing anything that I know of. Still, it was good to see all of my family. It is an extremely rare occasion when even my immediate family is all in one place. I talked with cousins, and generally had a good time. I drank and danced and tried my best to ignore my coming sickness. It never fails that I get sick to some degree whenever I am away from work for extended time.

Saturday started day one of house sitting. Since my brother was recently married and heading to a honeymoon in Belize, I was drafted to house sit and watch his cat, Blue. To describe it in a word, I would use "lonely". I didn't have a computer to connect with he outside world, so I settled for ondemand television and seasons of old TV on DVD. I finished up Generation Kill, Fear Itself and The Adventures of Brisco County Junior. I also brought my Xbox 360 to hook up to the HD television... Well, I hoped to at least.

The cords I had were for standard definition. I thought they may work in some capacity anyway. even if I didn't have the ful HD experience, I could at least connect it to the the internet and play some Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 online. Hell, with the new Xbox updates, I could even check my twitter and Facebook accounts. I held out for a day and headed to Gamestop the following afternoon. There I broke down and bought the HDMI cables needed for full High def experience. That was a good $50 right there. Then I headed to RadioShack and grabbed a 3ft ethernet cord for $10. I was in a good mood. I was going to waste away the rest of my solitude filled nights with mass killing of virtual people. I opend the packaging for the HDMI cable and set to connect it to the TV. Were the cable now connected to the TV, it didn't connect to the Xbox. Apparently, I have an early model that didn't support HDMI. Well, there's wasted money. Instead of getting too annoyed, I opted to attach the Xbox to the TV that was in the bedroom I was staying in. It didn' have internet access, but at least I could get some use out of it. I resorted to played a couple nights of Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2.

Now, if you read this blog with any frequency, you may have perused the one written about the date I had. It was fun. We went out a couple times over the next few weeks. We talked nearly everyday. Then Thanksgiving came, and there was silence. With attempted phone calls and text messages left unanswered, I am just assuming the worst. I just have no idea what the hell happened. I'm not going to try calling again until I hear something back. There are other things I should be focusing on, like Christmas.

Additions to Myspace, laziness, & work

I am tired. Go figure.

It's 3 in the morning, and I just finished doing stuff for work in my free time. I am an idiot. I scrolled through a list of comics from an independent distributor and narrowed down the items to what I think the store should actually carry. About 95% of the stuff didn't make the cut. I added a couple CDs I found on there for good measure. I already have the Space Ghost: Musical BBQ, but I think I could deal with having the 2 Power Puff Girls cds. I know, I am a dork. I like cartoons though. Sometimes the music is good for inspiration.

Also, I added an RSS reader to my Myspace page so it would seem easier to notice when I post something here. I don't really have any followers through this, at least not many that are non-anonomyous. I know a few people do occasionally read the words I throw-up here. It seems that more people would be more inclined to check out the Myspace profile first though, seeing as they would already be on Myspace. I don't have a Facebook profile yet. I haven't decided if it is worth it or not. I know may people are making a change to it. It seems to be the new trend. Many older, read not kids, are switching to create a seeming more mature social netork. I guess hiding behind avatars and fake names can only do so much.

I have been lazy lately. I haven't been very good with keeping in contact with friends. I just think a call out of the blue from me isn't worthwhile. I don't find myself interesting, so I don't want to subject people to my annoying work stories. I need to go out more. I work too much, too often. It gets to the point where if I am not working during the week, I tend to nod off and nap for a bit. I don't think I have a wide enough window to do something constructive. Maybe, I am just making up excuses. If only I had a webcam, I could make some shitty video blog for Youtube like some emo kid.

I should go to sleep now. I hope everyone is having a good day.

Take 2

OK, so I didn't get back into tings. I am being lazy and lethargic. My time has been consumed by the wonders of video games and the distractions of pre-made mediums. Nothing has really called me to creativity. I am getting a shove though.

A friend of mine wants me to work with him on a short film he is trying to put together. He thinks I have some type of strange potential. I went to school for English, that doesn't mean I can write. And, no, that writing concentration doesn't count either. It just means I have credits in those. I also have credits in Philosophy, but that doesn't make me Plato.

Anyway, he sent me what little he has a the moment, and a video of some news footage for inspiration. I don't know what is going to take. I am going to let the stuff seep into my noggin and percolate for a bit. Hopefully something will come up soon.

I should probably write up a treatment... As soon as I remember what a treatment is.

Anniversary... getting back to it.

Well, today was interesting, a bit.

My mom celebrated her 20th anniversary with her company today. She called me to say they had pizza, balloons and an engraved picture frame. She was exited. It was a good thing. She has been with the University of Penn Health System for a long time now. Hell, I was 8 when she started. I don't even know what she did before that. I think it was some sort of nursing home care thing.

It felt like old guy and crazy person day at the mall. There was a bevy of people who belong under watchful care, that wasn't there. There were a couple of the normal crazies that I can handle. Unfortunately there was a couple that like to talk to themselves and scare people away. The old guys were all nostalgic. One of them, was kind of a dick that couldn't understand that we didn't carry comics from the 50's, i.e. the Golden Age. We usually would, but it's not like every collection we have come in contains rare gems. Most of the crap people try to sell to my store tends to be stuff from the 80s and 90s which isn't worth much.

On turning 60

I'm trying to figure out what to write. I have a few ideas, but, I am not sure what should actually flow through me. Hell, I don't even think I could produce something coherent.

According to the counter thing at my dashboard for Blogger, this will be my 60th post. Now, I haven't done 59 other posts in the last few months of actively putting stuff here. I have apparent done all this through the last couple years. It's funny that if you go through my archives for this blog, there is an entire year missing. I didn't touch this for a year. Just shows how I feel about my writing.

I originally started this blog to just get some stuff out there. There was once an idea that I would post some of my fiction here. Since I haven't written any fiction since college, that never happened. I blame my muse, or lack there of. I just haven't really been inspired to write anything. My few stories for class usually dealt with things I have either known or experienced. There was one that I juts took from a concept and didn't base it on anything. I attempted to mask my need for personal depth and self-inclusion in my writing, but it didn't work. The story wasn't that good. Writing it, I saw too many plot holes that I didn't want to fill in. I was the epitome of the procrastinator in college. Most of what I wrote was done at the last minute. A personally belief, or delusional excuse, that I worked better under pressure. In all, I tended to write till I passed out. There was even one instance where I wrote a paper while sick, taking periodic naps at my desk and on the floor of my living room, waking to write a couple paragraphs. I don't even remember what it was for.

I would like to start writing stuff that can accurately express the things I have been going through. I was originally going to say "crap" instead of "things". The problem is that I do recognize that there are some good things going for me. My optimist pops out every once and a while to remind me that everything isn't shit, and can get better. The pessimist comes with depression, and depression leads to nothing being written.

For me, this blog is therapeutic. it helps me say something. Most of the time, I feel I never have anything to say. Or if I do, it is usually overshadowed by whatever everyone else has to say. My ideas and opinions don't seem that important with my weak social skills. If you were to talk to me, I would tend to stammer over words. I usually don't know how to express thing vocally. Hell, I don't know how to express it verbally in print either. I just fake it have have time to reflect on what I'm trying to express rather than just on-the-spot.

I sometimes post on my Myspace blog. I really haven't done much of that lately, though. In all honestly, I just like the look and design of what I put here better. It is more aesthetically pleasing as I type and shows up more professional when I post. The Myspace blog tends to feel like a long text message. Also, there are only so many surveys one can take. I would prefer if people read this here, only because I feel I put more effort into it. Myspace has its' advantages. More people have the opportunity to see what I write there. It is mush simpler to "subscribe" to my blog and get notified when I put something new up there. It also allows for more people to check up on me. I am not about making my profile private. If I have something to hide, I tend to do it internally. There are plenty of times i have neglected to write something here or on Myspace because I feel people may not appreciate what I have to say about a situation or the person themselves. I just don't say it. If I did speak my mind and keep an active journal, most of my post would be private. That could lead to paranoia.

I'm the one that is paranoid though. I don't write because I could be good at it and people would want more. I don't write because I could be bad at it and people would hate it. They could tell me they hate it and I should stop writing. They could hate it and tell me that they liked it, the friend way. It's a tug at the band-aid. Sometimes it's better to rip the damn thing off.

I'm not sure what comes next. I think I just need to get away. Or a laptop. Maybe I need to get away with a laptop. If anyone notices timestamps, I tend to post these things in the early AM. There is a reason. It tends to be the only time I feel I can write. I can't concentrate on writing when people are around... well, at least when family is around. I am plenty fine in my own little universe. I would like something to come along that I don't have to worry about. At least for a little bit. I seem to worry about too much. Until that time comes, I'll probably keep putting the occasional gibberish here in the hopes that something concrete can expose itself to my reader.