Something to do....

I haven't looked at this in years.

I have been feeling anxious lately. The whole world is in actual chaos. People are unsure about how life works now. For me, I just don't know what to do with myself.

I fill my time. I still work two jobs, which is better than some people. I never applied for unemployment, so no bonus cash from the feds. Money isn't too important to me right now. I have that going for me. Thankfully, I have few expenses.

I decided to started writing this in an effort to do something. I spend a good bit of time trying to figure out what to do with myself. I sometimes get stressed at work from just having seemingly everything happen at once. Work can give me focus, though. At least when I go to work, I have something to do. I have something to work towards, even if it is the end of the day.

I am the only employee working at my "night" comic book job. The boss stepped up and is still finding his feet getting back to actual work and not just delegating. I just have to step up my usual tasks. It doesn't help that the comic book industry used everything going on as a springboard to screw more things up for me. I know it wasn't a personal attack. It is mainly poor timing at a terrible time to throw more chaos and stress on an already near mentally breaking time.

This is just a bit of stress relief. I have more hobbies than I can handle. I like too many things, but am not a true fan of any of them. Nothing is really "my thing". I still have a terrible habit of attempting to throw money at a thing in the hope that I'll enjoy it. I have bought video games and played them once. I buy books to flip through and pretend I may read them some day. I have models to build and paint and no desire to choose which ones to do first. An excuse of not wanting to screw it up is fleeting. I could always just buy a new one to attempt to get that desire feeling again.

Who knows? Maybe this will trigger something in me. Maybe I will start writing a bit here again. Even it if is just something to do. At least it feels like a slight sense of accomplishment. That is all work is now, a sense of accomplishment when I struggle to get started. Still, I didn't have to get back on here to write, Luckily, it was automatically logged in because this site is owned and run by Google. Saves some time.

All right. I think that is enough for now. We'll see how long this lasts. One step at a time...

With Music And Knowledge

I am starting to believe that I won't do some things in my life. One of those things is actually play World of Warcraft. To the people that know what that is, they are probably breathing a sigh of relief. There is a high addiction curve to the game. It creates a new social environment that combines all the positive and negative aspects of online anonymity. Maybe there may be more negative aspects than positive. Still, I seem to be keeping the damn thing on the periphery.

The way I have been accomplishing not having my life sucked into the internet world is through exposure to other hobbies. I have been buying and downloading a lot of music both lately and in general. As with many of my entertainment purchases, I tend to get the impulse buy out of my system when I get home from the store. I still have loads of DVDs that are still shrink wrapped, usually horror movies that are accrued near Halloween. I even have seasons... seasons of shows that I still figure I will get around to watching. All of this also goes for video games and music.

In the past week, I have loaded onto my computer well over 200 songs of various artists and genres. Granted, some of this is done for work reasons. I just like listening to background scores while working. It gives me mood that sometimes music with words just can't accomplish. Also, words are sometimes inappropriate for the family store environment of work. The problem I have whenever I get into music mode is that I get horde mentality. I want as much of it as possible. I need the variety. The problem is I never really give all the new music it's fair share. So, I have spent the last two nights reading stuff on the internet while listening to new music.

It's definitely opening up some stuff to me. While watching wrestling, I realized that the WWE apparently has the rights to use the Civil Twilight catalog. At first, the radio played song, Letters From The Sky, was used for one of the video packages back in October. I rewatched it on YouTube after it was considered well done according to one of the articles I read. I took note of the band and album and proceeded to acquire it. I gave the whole thing a listen, and noticed one of the other songs was used tonight for another video package. This time Human was used to highlight the coming match between Bret Hart and Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania.

I mentioned in the last blog post, I grabbed the new Gorillaz: Plastic Beach. At the same time I also snagged Slayer: World Painted Blood. I was so tired from work, that I fell asleep listening to Slayer. It seems almost wrong. Currently playing in my car is High on Fire: Snakes for the Divine. All of this and I still have to listen to the RZA albums I downloaded, The Servant, Dan Black, and a few other things here and there that need preview before I can turn them on in the store.

So, what comes of me listening to music is that I still need something to do with my eyes. Since I am in front of the computer most of the time while listening, I tend to just surf the web. Problem is I need direction whenever I web-surf. I can't just click aimlessly. I know plenty of people that find all sorts of crap on YouTube or whatever, but I need words. Usually, I can just run through my normal sites for comics and wrestling, but lately they have been slow news days. I have needed to fill that visual void with other stimuli. Tonight, that was how to get started in World of Warcraft. I have done more reading on this topic than I probably should have. I still haven't decided to play the game or not. I have a better idea on the terminology now though.

Who knows? Maybe all this could be considered research for a story or something.

Sound of Silence

See, the weird thing is that I had plenty of time and topics to write abut over the last week. I just didn't have a functioning computer with internet access to actually compose my thoughts. It's kind of sad that I resort my self to technology as a crutch to write.

In any case, I guess it's time for an update.

It is solidly in the Christmas season at work. Hours officially changed with Black Friday, but now are staring to effect me. See, for the first few weeks, only weekends were really effected, with opening early and staying open late. Now, this week, the whole week has early openings and late closings. My Wednesday is going to suck, since it is then that I both open and close. In fact I have to go in before open to get work done then. I'm going to need some Red Bulls or something.

My Thanksgiving was all right. It was vastly different than past years. Instead of my home playing host to my immediate family, I joined my mom in center city Philadelphia for an extended family Thanksgiving. My brother was married on the next day, so with his wife's family in from another state, they had Thanksgiving dinner at the hotel were the wedding was to be held. It's strange having such a classic meal with menu options. Don't worry, I had the turkey choice. It was good, but nothing like a home cooked meal. I am also surprised how many people actually go out to eat for Thanksgiving. There was over 100 reservations for the hotel restaurant. Granted our party was most of it, but it still seems like a lot.

My brother, Chris, was married on Black Friday. This was significant because it gave me the greatest excuse (aside from a death) to not have to be at work. An added bonus was the extended days off, my first 4 day weekend/vacation since I was sick in January 2008. It was a good ceremony. It seemed non-denominational. They aren't actively practicing anything that I know of. Still, it was good to see all of my family. It is an extremely rare occasion when even my immediate family is all in one place. I talked with cousins, and generally had a good time. I drank and danced and tried my best to ignore my coming sickness. It never fails that I get sick to some degree whenever I am away from work for extended time.

Saturday started day one of house sitting. Since my brother was recently married and heading to a honeymoon in Belize, I was drafted to house sit and watch his cat, Blue. To describe it in a word, I would use "lonely". I didn't have a computer to connect with he outside world, so I settled for ondemand television and seasons of old TV on DVD. I finished up Generation Kill, Fear Itself and The Adventures of Brisco County Junior. I also brought my Xbox 360 to hook up to the HD television... Well, I hoped to at least.

The cords I had were for standard definition. I thought they may work in some capacity anyway. even if I didn't have the ful HD experience, I could at least connect it to the the internet and play some Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 online. Hell, with the new Xbox updates, I could even check my twitter and Facebook accounts. I held out for a day and headed to Gamestop the following afternoon. There I broke down and bought the HDMI cables needed for full High def experience. That was a good $50 right there. Then I headed to RadioShack and grabbed a 3ft ethernet cord for $10. I was in a good mood. I was going to waste away the rest of my solitude filled nights with mass killing of virtual people. I opend the packaging for the HDMI cable and set to connect it to the TV. Were the cable now connected to the TV, it didn't connect to the Xbox. Apparently, I have an early model that didn't support HDMI. Well, there's wasted money. Instead of getting too annoyed, I opted to attach the Xbox to the TV that was in the bedroom I was staying in. It didn' have internet access, but at least I could get some use out of it. I resorted to played a couple nights of Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2.

Now, if you read this blog with any frequency, you may have perused the one written about the date I had. It was fun. We went out a couple times over the next few weeks. We talked nearly everyday. Then Thanksgiving came, and there was silence. With attempted phone calls and text messages left unanswered, I am just assuming the worst. I just have no idea what the hell happened. I'm not going to try calling again until I hear something back. There are other things I should be focusing on, like Christmas.

Remembered Faces, Forgotten Names

I went to a sort of neighborhood reunion on Saturday night. It was advertised a bit on places like Myspace and Facebook, I believe. I saw it only because a friend posted on a forum.

It was a night of remembered faces and forgotten names. Most of the people I recognized were from high school. It was no one I really associated with in high school though. I was never the social butterfly. It came through again that night. I only jumped into conversations when people I knew were already talking with someone I didn't. I don't quite know how to approach some one when it comes to a reunion aspect of familiarity. "Hi, I remember you from when we were in high school. We didn't have any of the same classes, none of the same friends, and probably said only two words the four years we were there together. How are you?"

I don't think I could pick out any of the guys from the yearbook. It doesn't surprise me that I recognized the girls most of all. Hell, it's what I used to look at the most while I was there anyway. If only they felt obligated to break out the old school uniforms. That would have been something.

For the most part, it wasn't a terrible night. Granted I didn't go home with anyone or grab any numbers for future conversations, but that's par for the course. A few people I haven't seen in a while did show up to my surprise. The air was thick with smoke and old school rap. There were many people there I didn't care to deal with and plenty that I wouldn't mind getting to know better. Sadly, I am not entirely forthcoming with the whole ice-breaker thing. The setting seemed almost too forced.

My friend Bill had no problem reintroducing himself to people. He's a loud personality that likes an audience. He was all about mingling as much as possible. I believe his theory was that if he ever met you once, he would try and make sure you remember him this time around. I think it worked on a few unfortunate souls.

The night ended with an escape from the parking lot followed by a trip to Denny's with some friends. That part was so great for me. A half hour wait to be seated is fine. Almost an hour wait for our food to show, not so good. Worse still, my food dropped last while everyone else was finishing theirs. I don't think I will be returning to Denny's any time soon.

Energy Drinks make my mind boil

I drank an energy drink on the way to my car after leaving the bar. It was not my best idea.

I spent the night with the Olde City Sideshow at National Mechanics. It was a good time. There was a decent crowd that responded phenomenally. I saw and chatted with a few people I have not seen in a while. One works at Steven Singer Jewelers, so I know where I have to go if I have any standard adornment needs. There was beer flowing, and loud terrible music playing. Well, the music wasn't terrible in and of itself, it was mainly the DJ playing it. He has no idea what he is doing and wrecks every sound he forces on my eardrums.

Other than that, my dad is in the hospital. I'm not sure if he was released yet. I got a cryptic call from my aunt (his sister). She is sort of a loon, so I passed it off and called my oldest brother to see what the deal was all about. Apparently, at this point all I know is that my dad was admitted for shortness of breath. He is in his mid to late 60s, and a retired Philadelphia firefighter. They performed some tests, but I haven't heard any results. They had him walk up and down the hallway, and he started having trouble breathing. The symptoms could be almost anything. I feel like it's an episode of House. There are many bugs going around that could be the culprit. There was also mention of possibly asbestosis.

I haven't talked to my dad in months. In fact, the last conversation we had was an accident. He was reading down a list of his sons' phone numbers and meant to call my brother, Matt. We talked for a bit, but we really don't have much in common. Hopefully, everything will be fine. I'll try and call him tomorrow.

Take 2

OK, so I didn't get back into tings. I am being lazy and lethargic. My time has been consumed by the wonders of video games and the distractions of pre-made mediums. Nothing has really called me to creativity. I am getting a shove though.

A friend of mine wants me to work with him on a short film he is trying to put together. He thinks I have some type of strange potential. I went to school for English, that doesn't mean I can write. And, no, that writing concentration doesn't count either. It just means I have credits in those. I also have credits in Philosophy, but that doesn't make me Plato.

Anyway, he sent me what little he has a the moment, and a video of some news footage for inspiration. I don't know what is going to take. I am going to let the stuff seep into my noggin and percolate for a bit. Hopefully something will come up soon.

I should probably write up a treatment... As soon as I remember what a treatment is.

Recovering after a night out

I should have been pretty drunk tonight. I was hanging out with a few old friends. I was going to see the Olde City Sideshow, but it was a mix up in dates and they weren't performing. Instead I hung out with John, the OCSS talker, and my friend Ken. We were joined later by some other fellow employees and former employees of my work at a bar in Media, PA.

It was a good time. Many memories were brought up. There was talk of current problems. There was even an announcement of a new job. No, it wasn't for me.

After we had decided to part, I hung out with a couple guys afterward and went to another bar to have a couple more drinks. This was probably not a good idea. I had two more, and thought that was too much. When we left, they headed to a diner, and I headed home. I sat in my car for a bit and finished an energy drink.

Things didn't agree with me on the ride home. I was alert enough to not drive irregularly, but my stomach ached. It was like when I have sweet malt liquor, as in hard lemonade or twisted tea. It hurts my belly. I convinced myself to just make it till I got home. Only one traffic light was against me. I got home fine and parked, things took a turn for relief shortly thereafter. I feel much better now, and don't think I will be up for much longer.

My only down point was that there weren't many women where I was. The only real interaction I had was with a friend's girlfriend. the second bar sported more women, but the ratio of guys to girls was something like 5 to 1. It was all out of whack.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. I have yet to determine what it may bring. Hopefully, it will be enjoyable.

On turning 60

I'm trying to figure out what to write. I have a few ideas, but, I am not sure what should actually flow through me. Hell, I don't even think I could produce something coherent.

According to the counter thing at my dashboard for Blogger, this will be my 60th post. Now, I haven't done 59 other posts in the last few months of actively putting stuff here. I have apparent done all this through the last couple years. It's funny that if you go through my archives for this blog, there is an entire year missing. I didn't touch this for a year. Just shows how I feel about my writing.

I originally started this blog to just get some stuff out there. There was once an idea that I would post some of my fiction here. Since I haven't written any fiction since college, that never happened. I blame my muse, or lack there of. I just haven't really been inspired to write anything. My few stories for class usually dealt with things I have either known or experienced. There was one that I juts took from a concept and didn't base it on anything. I attempted to mask my need for personal depth and self-inclusion in my writing, but it didn't work. The story wasn't that good. Writing it, I saw too many plot holes that I didn't want to fill in. I was the epitome of the procrastinator in college. Most of what I wrote was done at the last minute. A personally belief, or delusional excuse, that I worked better under pressure. In all, I tended to write till I passed out. There was even one instance where I wrote a paper while sick, taking periodic naps at my desk and on the floor of my living room, waking to write a couple paragraphs. I don't even remember what it was for.

I would like to start writing stuff that can accurately express the things I have been going through. I was originally going to say "crap" instead of "things". The problem is that I do recognize that there are some good things going for me. My optimist pops out every once and a while to remind me that everything isn't shit, and can get better. The pessimist comes with depression, and depression leads to nothing being written.

For me, this blog is therapeutic. it helps me say something. Most of the time, I feel I never have anything to say. Or if I do, it is usually overshadowed by whatever everyone else has to say. My ideas and opinions don't seem that important with my weak social skills. If you were to talk to me, I would tend to stammer over words. I usually don't know how to express thing vocally. Hell, I don't know how to express it verbally in print either. I just fake it have have time to reflect on what I'm trying to express rather than just on-the-spot.

I sometimes post on my Myspace blog. I really haven't done much of that lately, though. In all honestly, I just like the look and design of what I put here better. It is more aesthetically pleasing as I type and shows up more professional when I post. The Myspace blog tends to feel like a long text message. Also, there are only so many surveys one can take. I would prefer if people read this here, only because I feel I put more effort into it. Myspace has its' advantages. More people have the opportunity to see what I write there. It is mush simpler to "subscribe" to my blog and get notified when I put something new up there. It also allows for more people to check up on me. I am not about making my profile private. If I have something to hide, I tend to do it internally. There are plenty of times i have neglected to write something here or on Myspace because I feel people may not appreciate what I have to say about a situation or the person themselves. I just don't say it. If I did speak my mind and keep an active journal, most of my post would be private. That could lead to paranoia.

I'm the one that is paranoid though. I don't write because I could be good at it and people would want more. I don't write because I could be bad at it and people would hate it. They could tell me they hate it and I should stop writing. They could hate it and tell me that they liked it, the friend way. It's a tug at the band-aid. Sometimes it's better to rip the damn thing off.

I'm not sure what comes next. I think I just need to get away. Or a laptop. Maybe I need to get away with a laptop. If anyone notices timestamps, I tend to post these things in the early AM. There is a reason. It tends to be the only time I feel I can write. I can't concentrate on writing when people are around... well, at least when family is around. I am plenty fine in my own little universe. I would like something to come along that I don't have to worry about. At least for a little bit. I seem to worry about too much. Until that time comes, I'll probably keep putting the occasional gibberish here in the hopes that something concrete can expose itself to my reader.